What Might Have Been.

Why is it never enough?
I always have to keep going, I never stop.
The second it slows down, or I don't have anything to do, I feel lost.
Sometimes, I don't know what I want... Not even a little bit.
Sometimes I don't know where I am going, or what I want to do with my life,
other times, I think I've got it all figured out.
Is there something wrong with me?
People always comment on how busy I am... tell me I am crazy for keepingmyself so busy... The truth is, I can't help it. I fall into this, almost depression sort of thing when I'm not busy. When I give myself too much timeI start to question everything...
The main things that I want, are too far out of my reach, too far in many different ways... Distance, Time, Place, Timing... There's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can say that will change anything, and if it did change, would I still want it so bad? How do I even know what I want right now...?
It all happened too fast for me know where my head is in the entire situation.
I don't know where my head is at, at all, right now. I'm questioning myself as to whether or not I can handle all of this. I know I have the capability, but nobody else knows that. Nobody else has the faith in me, causing me to lose faith in myself.
I am tired of feeling like I have to prove the entire world wrong. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not getting anywhere, when I know I am.
I need to understand I can't have everything I want, when I want it. You would think I'd understand that by now... I don't usually get exactly what I want... and that's okay. But for once...

I'm tired of the
"What Might Have Beens."

I'm Me, Take it or Leave it.

It's camp fires, the smell of gun powder, brand new socks, comfy sweats, thunder storms, colored leaves, country songs, soaring eagles, steel guitars, slipper days, lots of pillows, driving trucks, favorite jeans, roller blades, opening mail, mystery books, flickering candles, vanilla aroma, white wine, shooting stars, northern lights, glowing clouds, sunsets, hooded jackets, dressing up, drive in movies, fleece blankets, sleeping bags, silk sheets, the color green, pretty blue eyes, cameras, adrenaline rush, stage fright, gorgeous smile, big strong arms, hammocks, couples dancing, high heeled shoes, laughing, running, late night walks,

I've clearly been doing a lot of thinking lately....

Bad Day

I'm at a loss of words right now, There are too many questions that are going on unanswered. It's one of those days.
There are four little girls that lost their Daddy at approximately 8:30 p.m. last night. And I am at a loss as to why this had to happen to them, to him. They DID NOT do anything to deserve this.
At that, I spent a long drive home with my mind racing in every which direction. I've seemed to have more bad days lately than normal when it comes to the subject.
I'm hoping I am getting them out of the way for a while.
I do thing that the worst thing is life are having regrets. So many people say that they don't regret a thing...that nobody should regret anything...
What a lie.
There are so many things that I would have done different had I known what the future would hold.
I work to stay busy. I work to keep my mind off of things I don't want to think about.
Wow, I'm grumpy, I need real sleep, I need a real break, my head hurts, I'm pretty sure I'm fevered as all hell...

Thoughts...

I've come to realize how much I have grown in the recent months, how much I have learned about myself... I once was entirely dependent on another for everything--I couldn't stand on my own two feet. I didn't think I could.
I can. I am fully capable of standing on my own two feet with my friends and family by my side to hold me together on the days that I am falling short of myself, having a hard day. Someday, there won't be as many of those days anymore, but they will ALWAYS come around.
I've been working so hard on trying to show so many people that I can do it all by myself... and I shouldn't be. As far as I am concerned, if they aren't there for me to lean on, to talk to, to try to understand and be there for me, then they shouldn't be in my life anyways. The shut down mode that I've gotten so good at going into lately because of the whole mess, isn't good for me or anyone else.

Days go by, one by one. And like they say, yes, it slowly starts to get better. But that doesn't mean that their aren't those days where it's at it's very worst and it's like you have to start all over from the beginning.

I'm ranting and raving. I can tell I didn't get much sleep at all last night! I really should be getting back to work.... Need to stop thinking. :-P

Chena River Floating. :)

As we pull up, one car full, two cars full, me and Chad... We begin to wonder, do we even have enough room? As Dr. Henry backs the trailer down into the Chena River and begins to remove the straps holding it in place, Melissa remains seated in the vehicle rolling her eyes repeating, "Chris, what about the frame?"
Slowly, once all the work is done, four more boys meander their way Chad, Melissa, Dr. Henry and I. Ten people, in this, probably, six person raft. "This is going to be an interesting night," were my thoughts...
As we, one by one, make our way into the raft, we remind the boys that it is probably a better idea to distribute the weight evenly, what geniuses it took to all sit on one side, is beyond me. Melissa makes her way in muttering under her breath the fact that the raft was going to buckle without the frame, but no worries, she would be the frame, and she did. She stayed put up front, legs reaching across, keeping the raft from rolling into a taco.
As we begin floating down the river... I laugh at the fact that between the six boys, not a single one knew how to paddle correctly. In fact, rarely were they even paddling at all. Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal... But it was seven o'clock... and we put in by Pro Music, quite a ways up river from our final destination, the Pump House.
Two and a half hours later, we finally reached the Pioneer Park, aka, Alaska Land Bridge... Where three of our boys got schooled by a nine year old jumping off the bridge. Now this could have been very fun, but minor detail I noticed, was the fact that there most certainly was not enough sun to keep the wet ones warm. The sun may not go down, but it does a great job hiding just enough to keep you a tad bit chilly, even when you're dry!
Upon arrival of the Boatel, we laugh at the fact that we are not even to the point where it took Henry and Melissa two hours to get to the Pump House...
Chad decides to bail, craving beer and a warm bed.
We then begin going, of course, after a good ten minute chat, something that they didn't quite understand could be done as we were making way down river... Two things at once, no way.
At this point.. We've been floating for over three hours... Four boys are shivering, all of our feet are numb.
As we approach Chena Small Tracts Road, Melissa and Henry decide upon running the rest of the way.. Considering it was going to be a little extra work since one of the genius boys left the keys to one of the Vehicles at the pump house in one of the vehicles at the Boat Launch... what he was thinking, I'll never know.
At approximately four and a half hours, the paddle being handed over to be, (Well, I took it...) They finally got the paddling down and we were making head-wind.
As we finally get within visible distance of the Pump House, there stands Melissa with her camera... Dr. Henry at that point, had gone home to put on some warm and dry clothes... Had retrieved the vehicle from down town, and was waiting.
Five hours of floating, an hour and a half of just me and the six boys, the fact that slowly down the river, we were losing people one by one...
It made for an interesting night.
I'd never been more excited to take a hot shower and lay down in my super warm and comfy bed.
7:00-1:00 Wow, really guys? Why'd we put in so far up river??? ;-)

Updates on Life

MY LIFE HAS GONE THROUGH SOME PRETTY DURASTIC CHANGES IN THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS. THE RECENT CHANGES, WITHIN THE PAST SIX MONTHS... I ALMOST UP AND MOVED TO UTAH, SOMETHING I CONSIDERED ALL TOO QUICKLY AND REALISED ONCE I WAS THINKING STRAIGHT THAT IT WAS NOT THE BEST DECISION FOR ME. RATHER I STAYED, STARTED WORKING WITH TRACI SELLING REAL ESTATE, AND GOT LICENSED. WITH ALL THAT, CAME A WHOLE NEW LIFE, SOMETHING I'VE FOUND I MUST HAVE REALLY NEEDED.
I AM ALWAYS SOOO BUSY, WHICH CAN BOTH BE GOOD AND BAD. SOMETIMES I DO NEED A BREAK, BUT FOR THE MOST PART, I LOVE BEING BUSY, I THRIVE ON BEING BUSY. STARTING TOMORROW, I WILL BE CONSIDERED FULL TIME IN THE OFFICE, SOMETHING I AM SUPER STOKED ABOUT CONSIDERING I NOW PAY RENT (A NEW CHANGE WHICH OCCURED RECENTLY), ON TOP OF MY CAR PAYMENT AND INSURANCE WHICH IS BOUND TO GO UP DUE TO MY LACK OF BEING IN COLLEGE AT THE PRECISE MOMENT.
NEXT SEMESTER, I CAN ASSURE, WILL BE CRAZY INSANE TO SAY THE LEAST. I WILL NEED TO GO FULL TIME TO APPEASE MY CAR INSURANCE COMPANY, MY FINANCIAL AID SERVICING, AND MY DADS LIFE INSURANCE POLICY WHICH HAS GRANTED ME A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY TO GO TOWARDS MY SCHOOLING. I WILL BE DOING THIS ON TOP OF GOING TO WORK FULL TIME. I CAN DO IT. BRING IT ON. I AM STILL PLANNING ON GETTING MY BUSINESS DEGREE AND FOCUSING ON MARKETING AND ADVERTISING. :)
I'VE MET A LOT OF PEOPLE I'VE COME TO LOVE AND ADORE. I RECENTLY JUST MADE IT THROUGH MY SECOND FATHERS DAY SINCE MY DAD DIED, AND THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE OF THE GREAT PEOPLE I HAVE SURROUNDING ME.
THINGS ARE GETTING EASIER, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE MY HARD DAYS. I MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY, AND HOPE THAT I AM MAKING HIM PROUD.
MY IDEA OF A GREAT NIGHT NOW CONSISTS OF SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE WITH A CLEAR BLUE SKY DRINKING MY WINE. I LOVE IT.
I MISS MY MOM AND MY SISTERS, BUT AM HOPING TO SEE THEM MOVE BACK TO ALASKA IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
WELL, OFF TO BED I SHOULD GO AS I START WORKING AT EIGHT IN THE MORNING TOMORROW! YIKES!

GOALS

1. BUY A HOUSE
2. LEARN TO WELD
3. LEARN TO COOK
4. GET MY TATTOO
5. GRADUATE COLLEGE
6. KEEP UP ON A JOURNAL
7. SAVE A LIFE
8. MAKE A DIFFERENCE
9. WRITE A SONG, WORDS AND MUSIC
10. TAKE AN ARGENTINE TANGO CLASS
11. RUN TEN MILES NON-STOP (ENDURANCE)
12. HIKE ANGEL ROCKS
13. SLEEP ON A ROOF
14. GO SKINNY DIPPING :)
15. DRIVE A BOAT
16. LEARN TO SKIP ROCKS
17. LEARN HOW TO SNOWBOARD/SKI
18. LEARN TO WATERSKI
19. RIDE A SNOW MACHINE
20. GO PAINTBALLING
21. TAKE GUITAR LESSONS
22. LEARN HOW TO CHANGE MY OWN OIL
23. GO 120+ MPH
24. GO TO A NASCAR RACE
25. SEE WICKED ON BROADWAY
26. SPRAY PAINT MY NAME ON THE ROCKS
27. RIDE IN A FIRE TRUCK
28. GET MY PILOTS LICENSE
29. SWIM WITH DOLPHINS
30. GET MY DEEP-DIVING CERTIFICATE
31. PROVE EVERYONE WRONG
32. NEVER SMOKE CIGARETTES
33. NEVER BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC
34. GO MUDDING
35. GO SKYDIVING
36. VISIT NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE
37. LEARN HOW TO LIFT WEIGHTS :)
38. MAKE SOMEONE TRULY HAPPY
39. OWN "MY" TRUCK



I'VE RECENTLY DONE A FEW THINGS THAT WERE ONCE GOALS

1. LEARN TO DRIVE STICK
2. GO ROCKCLIMBING
3. GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL WITH 4.0
4. GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL EARLY
5. BUY MY OWN CAR

Confused.

I have so much on my mind, but I don't know what to write. I don't know where to begin. So much has happened in the past few months. I'm so lost, so confused.