Thinking Back...

16, straight A's, perfect attendance, dreams.
It's been rough since the day I said "I'm done, I can do this by myself."
I made it through with a lot of help from those who loved me, and I'm so thankful for them all.
Without the help of Teachers at school who knew my situation, I would not be making my way through college right now debt free having been able to prove my independence and claim my own.
Without the family of my boyfriend at the time helping me to stabilize myself having co-signed on my car and all else they did for me in allowing me to work to earn my stay.
Thank you to my own family, and apologies for all they had to go through. I was born to stand on my own and have done so.
Thinking back, I wouldn't change a thing and overall understand that all the bad that happened along the way got me to where I am now. I am proud to say that while I thankfully accepted help from those who gave it, I never asked for it. I am proud to say that I, from the age of 16, never asked for money to fill up my gas tank or to feed myself.
I am a worrier, I am a stresser. In the end, I know that it does pay off to be to proud. I was embodied with good work ethic by both of my parents and I would like to say I have a good head on my shoulders.
I am not sorry to have missed out on the High School and College party days because I was always looking towards the future knowing that there were more important things that needed done.
So many people told me I couldn't do it, they didn't have faith in the decisions that I was making.
I am happy to say, "I proved you wrong."

Slipping Away

It's been a rough couple of weeks and I'm unsure as to why exactly... Right now, most things are absolutely perfect with a little bit of rough and tough in between, as to be expected. I started a new job which I do like very much. While I loved my previous job, this one is a lot less stressful which helps while I am in school. I am still attending the University of Alaska Fairbanks working towards my Business Degree, so far, I have no regrets. Though I would love to just sign a form promising that if I do not take accounting, I will hire an accountant. ;-)

I've learned a lot about myself, but yet I have so far to go.

I am one who looks for the answer in EVERYTHING as well as the shortcuts to get to those answers. I am always in a hurry, I've got to slow down.

My head runs, literally, a million miles an hour. I look way to deep into some things, and it makes me crazy. I bottle up emotions, I bottle up questions... Until finally they explode over something so little that it doesn't make sense as to why I am being so emotional at that very given moment...

Today, I logged onto Myspace for the first time in years... I've kept it all along..becuase it's a lot of what I have left of my dad. but it too, is slipping away.. His profile is no longer a true profile and I worry that soon, it will be gone.

I miss his voice, I miss his hugs.. I miss calling to complain about everything to him... I miss calling for advice on my boy life... I miss my Dad. I don't know that this will ever stop...

Overall, I am happy.

I have my family back and I am looking constantly to the future (but not too far, cause I find that makes me crazy too) and a lot less to the past.

I am learning lessons in life that need to be learned...

What Might Have Been.

Why is it never enough?
I always have to keep going, I never stop.
The second it slows down, or I don't have anything to do, I feel lost.
Sometimes, I don't know what I want... Not even a little bit.
Sometimes I don't know where I am going, or what I want to do with my life,
other times, I think I've got it all figured out.
Is there something wrong with me?
People always comment on how busy I am... tell me I am crazy for keepingmyself so busy... The truth is, I can't help it. I fall into this, almost depression sort of thing when I'm not busy. When I give myself too much timeI start to question everything...
The main things that I want, are too far out of my reach, too far in many different ways... Distance, Time, Place, Timing... There's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can say that will change anything, and if it did change, would I still want it so bad? How do I even know what I want right now...?
It all happened too fast for me know where my head is in the entire situation.
I don't know where my head is at, at all, right now. I'm questioning myself as to whether or not I can handle all of this. I know I have the capability, but nobody else knows that. Nobody else has the faith in me, causing me to lose faith in myself.
I am tired of feeling like I have to prove the entire world wrong. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not getting anywhere, when I know I am.
I need to understand I can't have everything I want, when I want it. You would think I'd understand that by now... I don't usually get exactly what I want... and that's okay. But for once...

I'm tired of the
"What Might Have Beens."

I'm Me, Take it or Leave it.

It's camp fires, the smell of gun powder, brand new socks, comfy sweats, thunder storms, colored leaves, country songs, soaring eagles, steel guitars, slipper days, lots of pillows, driving trucks, favorite jeans, roller blades, opening mail, mystery books, flickering candles, vanilla aroma, white wine, shooting stars, northern lights, glowing clouds, sunsets, hooded jackets, dressing up, drive in movies, fleece blankets, sleeping bags, silk sheets, the color green, pretty blue eyes, cameras, adrenaline rush, stage fright, gorgeous smile, big strong arms, hammocks, couples dancing, high heeled shoes, laughing, running, late night walks,

I've clearly been doing a lot of thinking lately....

Bad Day

I'm at a loss of words right now, There are too many questions that are going on unanswered. It's one of those days.
There are four little girls that lost their Daddy at approximately 8:30 p.m. last night. And I am at a loss as to why this had to happen to them, to him. They DID NOT do anything to deserve this.
At that, I spent a long drive home with my mind racing in every which direction. I've seemed to have more bad days lately than normal when it comes to the subject.
I'm hoping I am getting them out of the way for a while.
I do thing that the worst thing is life are having regrets. So many people say that they don't regret a thing...that nobody should regret anything...
What a lie.
There are so many things that I would have done different had I known what the future would hold.
I work to stay busy. I work to keep my mind off of things I don't want to think about.
Wow, I'm grumpy, I need real sleep, I need a real break, my head hurts, I'm pretty sure I'm fevered as all hell...

Thoughts...

I've come to realize how much I have grown in the recent months, how much I have learned about myself... I once was entirely dependent on another for everything--I couldn't stand on my own two feet. I didn't think I could.
I can. I am fully capable of standing on my own two feet with my friends and family by my side to hold me together on the days that I am falling short of myself, having a hard day. Someday, there won't be as many of those days anymore, but they will ALWAYS come around.
I've been working so hard on trying to show so many people that I can do it all by myself... and I shouldn't be. As far as I am concerned, if they aren't there for me to lean on, to talk to, to try to understand and be there for me, then they shouldn't be in my life anyways. The shut down mode that I've gotten so good at going into lately because of the whole mess, isn't good for me or anyone else.

Days go by, one by one. And like they say, yes, it slowly starts to get better. But that doesn't mean that their aren't those days where it's at it's very worst and it's like you have to start all over from the beginning.

I'm ranting and raving. I can tell I didn't get much sleep at all last night! I really should be getting back to work.... Need to stop thinking. :-P

Chena River Floating. :)

As we pull up, one car full, two cars full, me and Chad... We begin to wonder, do we even have enough room? As Dr. Henry backs the trailer down into the Chena River and begins to remove the straps holding it in place, Melissa remains seated in the vehicle rolling her eyes repeating, "Chris, what about the frame?"
Slowly, once all the work is done, four more boys meander their way Chad, Melissa, Dr. Henry and I. Ten people, in this, probably, six person raft. "This is going to be an interesting night," were my thoughts...
As we, one by one, make our way into the raft, we remind the boys that it is probably a better idea to distribute the weight evenly, what geniuses it took to all sit on one side, is beyond me. Melissa makes her way in muttering under her breath the fact that the raft was going to buckle without the frame, but no worries, she would be the frame, and she did. She stayed put up front, legs reaching across, keeping the raft from rolling into a taco.
As we begin floating down the river... I laugh at the fact that between the six boys, not a single one knew how to paddle correctly. In fact, rarely were they even paddling at all. Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal... But it was seven o'clock... and we put in by Pro Music, quite a ways up river from our final destination, the Pump House.
Two and a half hours later, we finally reached the Pioneer Park, aka, Alaska Land Bridge... Where three of our boys got schooled by a nine year old jumping off the bridge. Now this could have been very fun, but minor detail I noticed, was the fact that there most certainly was not enough sun to keep the wet ones warm. The sun may not go down, but it does a great job hiding just enough to keep you a tad bit chilly, even when you're dry!
Upon arrival of the Boatel, we laugh at the fact that we are not even to the point where it took Henry and Melissa two hours to get to the Pump House...
Chad decides to bail, craving beer and a warm bed.
We then begin going, of course, after a good ten minute chat, something that they didn't quite understand could be done as we were making way down river... Two things at once, no way.
At this point.. We've been floating for over three hours... Four boys are shivering, all of our feet are numb.
As we approach Chena Small Tracts Road, Melissa and Henry decide upon running the rest of the way.. Considering it was going to be a little extra work since one of the genius boys left the keys to one of the Vehicles at the pump house in one of the vehicles at the Boat Launch... what he was thinking, I'll never know.
At approximately four and a half hours, the paddle being handed over to be, (Well, I took it...) They finally got the paddling down and we were making head-wind.
As we finally get within visible distance of the Pump House, there stands Melissa with her camera... Dr. Henry at that point, had gone home to put on some warm and dry clothes... Had retrieved the vehicle from down town, and was waiting.
Five hours of floating, an hour and a half of just me and the six boys, the fact that slowly down the river, we were losing people one by one...
It made for an interesting night.
I'd never been more excited to take a hot shower and lay down in my super warm and comfy bed.
7:00-1:00 Wow, really guys? Why'd we put in so far up river??? ;-)